An astronaut is calling for better vigilance against asteroids. He’s been to space. He’s seen the face of evil.
I don’t think a lot of you people are taking the threat of asteroids seriously, though. Instead you believe many myths about them.
MYTH: Asteroids are a myth.
FACT: Asteroids are real! They are not mythical. Though they can kill a leprechaun.
MYTH: Asteroids are a natural part of our ecosystem.
FACT: Asteroids are not a part of our ecosystem at all. That’s why they are in space.
MYTH: Asteroids are nice and love puppies.
FACT: Asteroids are evil and want to kill puppies. Asteroids are so vile and depraved that they are longtime friends and mentors of Barack Obama.
MYTH: Asteroids aren’t that dangerous.
FACT: Scientists estimate that getting hit by a giant asteroid would be even worse an event than the current financial crisis. Even a $800 billion asteroid bailout plan would not save us.
MYTH: If your college roommate gets hit by an asteroid, you automatically get A’s in all your classes that semester.
FACT: No. That’s completely made up.
Asteroids are very dangerous and you all need to understand that and stop saying, “Frank, stop talking about asteroids. You’re crazy.” You are the ones who are crazy!
Until we can get the government to better monitor the skies for asteroids, we have to do it ourselves. So whenever you have a chance, look up and see if you spot an asteroid. If you do, call someone to take care of it — preferably someone with nukes such as the federal government or Iran.
Remember: Only you can prevent the total annihilation of life on this planet.™
I’m disappointed. I was certain that you’d find a way to work the name of the seventh planet from the sun into this tirade.
“Remember: Only you can prevent the total annihilation of life on this planet.™”
That is quite fortuitous given my designs to eradicate all life!
MUWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!
MYTH: Asteroids are harmless.
FACT: They shrink your testicles and make your head grow large. (See Bonds, Barry.)
I though an asteroid that hits the earth is technically a meteorite. Although a dog or person could conceivably be hit by an asteroid and killed while in space or while flying in the atmosphere, it is a scientific fact that Leprecauns stick to the surface of the planet.
“In space, a large rocky body in orbit about the Sun is referred to as an asteroid or minor planet whereas much smaller particles in orbit about the Sun are referred to as meteoroids. Once a meteoroid enters the Earth’s atmosphere and vaporizes, it becomes a meteor (i.e., shooting star). If a small asteroid or large meteoroid survives its fiery passage through the Earth’s atmosphere and lands upon the Earth’s surface, it is then called a meteorite. Cometary debris is the source of most small meteoroid particles. Many comets generate meteoroid streams when their icy cometary nuclei pass near the Sun and release the dust particles that were once embedded in the cometary ices. These meteoroid particles then follow in the wake of the parent comet. Collisions between asteroids in space create smaller asteroidal fragments and these fragments are the sources of most meteorites that have struck the Earth’s surface.”
I am so confusessssed!!!!!!
I loved one of the comments for the story. “This is our most pressing concern, along with global warming reduction.” Yep, the annihilation of all life versus…well, that .2 degree raise in temperature.
Is it a myth that Asteroids was a fun game from the ’80’s? Was that all just a plot to poison the minds of our schoolchildren to the dangers of asteroids? Was Karl Rove involved in the development of that game? For those of us who used to play Asteroids, do we need to do some kind of de-psychotherapy?
Just call Bruce Willis and stop whining.
DEMOCRATS: They think of nothing but killing you.
OBAMA SUPPORTERS: They think of nothing but killing you.
TERRORISTS: They think of nothing but killing you.
Coincidence? I think not.
The astronaut who wrote this article is named Tom Jones.
Not only is he an astronaut, but he saved the world in the movie Mars Attacks.
I’m less worried about the asteroids than I am about the UFOs that are hiding behind them. UFOs travel behind the asteroid to avoid detection, so they can surprise us. Surprise us without warning! They also stay behind the ‘roid to get better mileage – kind of like tailgating a semi on the interstate. No UFO has ever been detected in the shadow of an asteroid, proving the effectiveness of their stealthy approach.
Did you see the Mythbusters Moon Myths episode? Did you know there are mirrors on the moon that we can shoot lasers at (and receive a reflection from) to prove to the moontroofers that our astronauts really did land on the moon? (I know, I know, we didn’t really land on the moon – we just dropped some mirrors out the window of Apollo 10 as it orbited) We need a vast array of these mirrors strategically placed in our solar system, and much more powerful lasers like in Real Genius. These mirrors will allow us to overcome that d*mned annoying line-of-sight problem we keep having with cool weapons like giant space lasers. Then we can bounce a beam off Uranus and totally nail those sneaky UFOs that think they’re safe behind those big ugly rocks. Death to UFOs! We will never surrender!
I thought Preparation H was supposed to take care of a$$-teroids?
B. Hussein Obama has an asteroidal resentment against America
The asteroids are a peaceful religion who’s members just want to coexist with the planets they hurl themselves into in a suicidal attempt to nail virgins.
Protect yourself from asteroids.. stoprocks.com
I’m rested and ready. I personally destroyed thousands of asteroids in arcades and bowling alleys in the 1970’s and 1980’s.
All I ask is a roll of quarters and a pointy nosed ship to pilot.
MYTH: Larger, more successful asteroids have gotten that way through exploitation of the smaller, less fortunate asteroids.
FACT: Obama plans to take 48% from every asteroid over 250,000 tons and give it to the smaller asteroids so that they too can feel big and powerful. It’s only fair so share.
I know when my roids act up I just rub some cream on them…
I personally think the earth and Gaea are out to annihilate human beings. What with hurricanes, tornado, blizzards, earthquakes, tidal waves, famine, disease, dangerous animals, poisonous insects and other dangers not mentioned or even known, WE are the endangered species.
I don’t have time to worry about asteroids, I too busy trying to stay alive.
Suppose, just suppose for the sake of arguement, that the world really Is only 6000 years old.
95% of all species of animals that’ve Ever existed on this planet are Extinct!
How much longer do you suppose we’ve got left at that rate of attrition?
Maybe Evolution isn’t about creatures improving over time.
It’s about creatures just hanging on by the skin of their teeth against overwhelming odds!
Curse you mother nature! You evil, sadistic b*tch!
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Wow… You’re all…honestly, RETARDED. Someone owes me 4 minutes of my life back -.-