Obama to Bail Out Obama Merchandise Industry
WASHINGTON (AP) – During his first full day as President, Barack Obama sent legislation to Congress that would offer up to $500 billion in aid to America’s struggling Obama merchandise industry.
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“Since I first announced my candidacy on February 10th, 2007, millions of Americans have come to depend on sales of merchandise bearing my name and likeness as their sole source of income,” said Obama. “Obama-themed T-shirts, teddy bears, hats, tote bags, posters, buttons, car air fresheners, playing cards, coffee cups, and even condoms now make up approximately one third of America’s GDP – nearly ten times the banking and automotive sectors combined. Clearly this industry is too big to fail.”
But fail it very well may, if drastic action isn’t taken soon. After climbing steadily for two years and reaching a peak of $200 billion on January 20th, sales fell by a unprecedented 10 percent on January 21st. If the current trend continues, experts say that the entire industry could be bankrupt in ten days.
“During the bleak centuries of our nation’s savage past,” observed Obama, “Americans – black, white, asian, hispanic, muslim, and jew alike – have had to suffer the indignity of being unable to buy tacky knick-knacks plastered with the messianic visage of an African-American president. We cannot allow this great nation, now so blessed, to be plunged back again into the holocaust of Baracklessness.”
The President’s bold initiative, hailed by many as the most brilliant innovation since Einstein’s discovery of sliced bread, will ensure that everyone who wants Obama merchandise will have it. As will those who don’t want it, since those not purchasing at least $500 of Barackanalia a year will have their citizenship revoked.
“There is so much more we can do, though,” extolled Obama. “Tattoos, toasters, bar stools, manhole covers, possibly even creative landscaping on the surface of the moon. With all my heart, I want to make sure that my children and my children’s children grow up in a world where you can’t get dressed, make breakfast, or drive to work without basking in the warmth of my beneficent visage. For those without the visionary brilliance to support my plan, all I can say is: there’s a reason I’m making room at GITMO.”
IMAO staff reporter Laurie contributed to this article.
It sounds like an awful lot of bric-a-barack! ; )
All the more reason to Nuke the Moon. I say we postpone until he’s actually spent the dough on it. We can then call it a beautification project. Cleaning excess Filth from the Moon’s surface and all. We’d be the most awesome ecologists Ever!
they also have an obama dildo. think of the connotations…or don’t…
And let’s not forget stepped up law enforcement efforts against purveyors of counterfeit Obama merchandise. It was lax Republican oversight of Obama merchandise counterfeiting that led to this crisis in the first place. And now that the FBI’s totally unconstitutional counterterrorism programs are being shut down, there’ll be plenty of agents available to track down these nefarious evildoers.
How much is that Obama Bucket™ in the window? I’m not sure I wanna see what he’s gonna do.
#1: bric-a-barack *groan* But good one. 😉
Can we “organize” a “community” of merchandiser buyers of chinese trinkets, um “producers” to get our share of the bailout?
Harvey and Basil have hit home runs today! So very funny!
This is just what the ecomomy needs what with the downturn that was
caused by the collapse in sales of ‘No War for Oil’, ‘Regime Change Starts At Home’
and ‘Buck Fush’ T-Shirts and bumper stickers.
Recycling the 20 tons of paper and plastic left in the Mall on the 20th
and converting the porta-pottie waste to methane should be a sufficient stimulus also.
~~ Side note.
When viewed from Australia,
Obama’s face on the Moon
will appear to be in a bucket.
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