At a political rally later that day, Sanders related the story as a heartwarming anecdote to the crowd of former Grateful Dead groupies that make up the bulk of his voter base in California.
“I was walking down Ashbury Street,” said Sanders “wondering where my next triple venti soy no-foam latte was coming from – my Secret Service detail stopped ‘loaning’ me coffee money months ago – when I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk next to an entire cup full of money. I thought he might be some sort of discount leprechaun, except the Irish don’t wear camo pants. At least I think they were camo. Might’ve just been dirty. Anyway – cup full of money!”
“Now, if there’s one thing I know about money,” continued Sanders, “it’s that a pile of it doesn’t do anybody any good. Money only works when it’s moving, and everybody’s got to do their part to help it move. So I counted me and him – that made two – then divided by two to figure out what my part was – that’s half – and took my fair share to the nearest Starbucks.”
“Not that I counted it out to the last penny. I’m a socialist. Numbery math is for my enemies. Socialist math says one cupful equals two handfuls. I put the other handful back into the cup. Although I may need to go back and do more math on him if I get hungry for a scone later.”
Though Sanders was later criticized by President Trump in a tweet for his actions – “Guess Crazy Bernie Sanders couldn’t find any babies with candy” – Faiz Shakir, a spokesman for the Sanders campaign, defended the candidate’s behavior.
“Sure, Bernie has 3 houses, a 6-figure salary, and a 7-figure net worth, but he didn’t have it ON him. The only thing in his wallet was a 2-for-1 coupon for Chick-Fil-A. Like I’m ever going to let him risk letting his base see him eat there. I had him give it to the homeless guy.”
The homeless man in question, Billy Ray Valentine, said he didn’t mind splitting his earnings with the Independent Senator from Vermont.
“Did you see his hair?” asked Valentine. “Cat needs the cash WAY worse than I do… Hey! This coupon’s expired!”
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“Hey! This coupon’s expired!” — LOL!
(Also the photo caption)
I was wondering if Zeno’s Paradox applied to Socialism. If you keep taking half of what someone else has does the amount ever get to zero?
It’ll certainly get to half a zero.
But half a zero is less than a full zero, isn’t it?
Don’t ask me. I was never good at algebra.
Didn’t know what a slide rule was for?
I don’t know if the amount goes to zero but eventually the public’s patience does.
Not so far.
Ask (never gonna be) President Hillary.
Excellent piece, Harvey!