MENLO PARK (AP) – In reaction to strong criticism from privacy advocates, Facebook, Inc. CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a new plan that will be respectful of patron’s personally-identifiable confidential information and its security.

“In times past,” said Zuckerberg, “Facebook has taken a ‘lazy-fair‘ approach to privacy: we were lazy, and your data was fair game to any nerd with a keyboard who’d seen ‘Swordfish’. However, after receiving complaints from people who we’re not currently shadowbanning for wrongthink, the board of directors and I have chosen a different approach”.

“Step one: blame the security chief, kick him out, and don’t hire a new one. Step two: instead of spending money to plug the security holes, find a way to make money by creating our own security holes and charging a fee for people to put buckets under them. Step three: do the honorable thing and offer people an opt-out. Step four: if they can find it.”

“Now,” Zuckerberg continued, “as far as we know, EVERYONE reads and fully comprehends Facebook’s ‘Terms of Service’ agreement, as proven by the checked boxes at the bottom, so we put the opt-out in there. Near the front… upper… middlish… I forget exactly, but it’s there. It’s easier to find than Google’s, anyway. I think they hide theirs in their Doodle.”

Facebook CFO David Ebersman praised Zuckerberg’s innovative approach to privacy protection.

“We guarantee,” said Ebersman, “that your personal information is kept under cybernetic lock and key by some of the steadfastest guardians of data available on the planet. An unhackable group of professionals with a perfect track record of never having a single byte stolen from them. I can’t imagine anyone holding on tighter to your information than Ukranian identity pirates. You’re in good hands. Until they sell you to the Nigerians.”

“Of course, you could always opt out and keep your data for yourself,” concluded Ebersman, “but is that really wise? After all, you thought signing up for Facebook was a good idea. You obviously can’t be trusted to make good decisions.”

---

< New Dan Rather Memo Offers Indisputable Proof of Trump’s Russian Collusion