WASHINGTON (AP) – In an unexpected move that took both fellow Senators and her campaign staffers by surprise, Democrat Senator and 2020 presidential candidate Kamala Harris announced that, from now on, she will stop identifying as African American and begin identifying as a 76-year-old white man. Harris, who was polling in the mid-single digits, immediately took a commanding 30+ point lead in the Democrat race for president.

Senator Harris held a press conference to give her take on what was, to some, a startling transformation of both identity and fortune.

“Some people,” said Harris “have accused me of pulling a cheap stunt to try to jumpstart my flagging campaign, but nothing could be further from the truth. From as far back as I can remember – or at least the beginning of this month – I knew that I could no longer keep pretending about who I really was. And whether it cost me votes, or – as it turned out – gained me votes, it didn’t matter. I had to be true to who I knew I was on the inside – and who voters wished I was on the outside.”

“I know what I look like on the outside,” continued Harris, “but I implore you: don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the content of my character. And my character, at least for this election, is an old white guy. One who gaffes and has charming quirks… and who makes liberals feel comfortable in a way that’s uncomfortable to explain to pollsters and your liberal friends. Well, I’m here to take your white guilt and shame away, because I’m white too, now.”

“But again, please, don’t judge me by the color of my skin, but rather by the color I tell you my skin is.”

“Oh,” Harris added, “and because of the gender change, I had to pick a new name. Minor switch, really. It’s Cameron now. So you can still call me Cam. But now it’s Cam with a C. And I mean you actually have to say ‘Cam with a C’. Don’t you dare deadname me or I will cut you. Or maybe just sue you… that’s how white people threaten each other, right? I’m still so new at this.”

“Also,” concluded Harris, “I still haven’t decided on my preferred pronoun yet. I’ll let you know after you get it wrong.”

Early reactions to the change seemed generally supportive. One of Harris’s campaign workers, Sophia Oliver, could hardly contain her admiration.

“I’ve always thought of her as a strong and courageous woman of color,” said Oliver, “but coming out as a white guy somehow makes her seem even stronger and courageouser. Is courageouser a word? Well, it is now. Take THAT white patriarchy!”

“Oh…no offense, Cam… uh… with a C.”

While early polling does seem to indicate this is a positive step for Harris’s campaign, the campaign’s manager, Juan Rodriguez, advised caution.

“People are idiots and the electorate is fickle. If Cam so much as guesses correctly how many letter are in the word J-O-B-S, the wave could collapse tomorrow. It’s tough being a America’s favorite creepy uncle. Biden just makes it look easy.”

At press time, Rodriguez had been cut and sued for leaving off “with a C”.

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