WASHINGTON (AP) – In light of a new report showing that human activity is not the determining factor driving average global temperatures, congressional Democrats said they will advocate for the repeal of the higher taxes and more stringent regulations that had been at the heart of their environmental policies for decades.

“This is a little embarrassing,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “For years, the Democrat party has advocated punitive taxation on everything from air conditioners to plastic grocery bags in an effort to cool off the earth. You know, blah, blah, blah, save the planet, gotta break a few eggs if you want that lower-sea-level omelet, all that jazz. We got sucker-punched by bad science, but it’s not too late to turn this around.”

“Frankly, it’s quite a relief to let it all go and embrace the roots of classical liberalism again: less taxes, more liberty,” Pelosi said. “Now we just need to get the press to make the phrase ‘tax and spend Republicans’ catch on.”

Freshman Democrat Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was spotted near a trash barrel outside the Capitol building, burning copies of the Green New Deal initiative.

“Turns out it was the dumbest idea I ever had, and I’ve videoed myself talking to a garbage disposal. Heck, I even made an entire video about how climate change would destroy the earth in twelve years,” said Ocasio-Cortez, making air quotes and rolling her eyes. “Like, I feel like such a rube, ya know? People should just forget about all that stuff I said. I know I’m going to act like it never happened. In fact, next week, I’m introducing a bill to kill the entire Department of Energy. Solar! Wind! Pffft! They never even once considered perpetual motion generators. Which have a MUCH smaller carbon footprint, by the way. Not that we need to care about THAT anymore.”

Democrat Senator Ed Markey, who co-sponsored the Green New Deal, seemed eager to embrace a smaller-government lifestyle.

“I’ve been in politics for 40 years,” said Markey. “Did everything I could to make government bigger. Thought it was the only thing that would save us from global cooling, global warming, global temperature stagnation, whatever they’re calling it this year. Turns out temperatures change all the time no matter what people do. I just feel silly. Anyway, I’m gonna go reverse every vote I made since I was first elected. If the world’s not ending, we might as well be free.”

As of this writing, the White House could not be reached for comment, as the White House phone system was overloaded by elected officials suggesting which stupid law to repeal first.

—–

< Democrats Pass “Some Are More Equal Than Others Act”