WASHINGTON (AP) – In a Rose Garden press conference, President Trump announced that he has reached a deal with Congressional Democrats on a bill that will authorize 2000 miles of state-of-the-art border barriers, along with all requisite monitoring equipment and patrol personnel, in exchange for a study – to be conducted after the wall is complete – to determine the wall’s gender.

“For over two years now,” said President Trump, “I have been getting the most ridiculous pushback on this border wall project. And, honestly, I was confused. Democrat Presidents since Jimmy Carter have been saying the border needed beefing up. So why was everyone on the left suddenly opposed?”

“Well,” Trump continued, “I decided that, if I tried thinking like a Democrat, I might be able to figure it out. So I squinched up my face, stamped my feet, and thought as hard as I could about how everything in the world is unfair and it’s somebody else’s fault. Then it hit me: feelings. In the illegal immigration debate, people worry about the feelings of the border crossers, and people worry about the feelings of the American citizens, but NOBODY has ever said a single word about the wall’s feelings. Who IS the wall? What DOES the wall want? Then I thought to myself, ‘Donald, those are the dumbest words ever to be strung together in the English language,’ and I knew I’d found the answer.”

“I called Nancy [Pelosi], and we had a deal within 15 minutes. Check it out, America: Got the money. Got the wall. Promise kept. Border secure. Boom! Art of the Deal, baby!”

We caught up with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on the Capitol steps as she was swinging her oversize novelty Speaker’s gavel in carefree circles while humming a Grateful Dead song.

“You wouldn’t believe what I just suckered Trump into,” lilted Pelosi. “I let him build that ridiculous wall of his, but I made good and sure he didn’t get the naming rights. We’ll have to conduct a serious study before we decide on a name that genuinely reflects not just the outer appearance of this wall, but its innermost feelings, hopes, ambitions, and character. This wall will NOT wind up with some idiot, cartoonish moniker chosen by the unwashed deplorables of flyover country. It will be something dignified, yet gender-inoffensive – whatever its gender may be. Something reflective of, you know, its inner wallness.

“Oh, and I apologize for saying ‘its'” Pelosi said, a slight blush of shame coloring her cheeks. “We don’t know the wall’s preferred pronoun yet. That’s at least 4 years and a billion dollars worth of studies down the road.

At a subsequent Rose Garden press conference, President Trump said that, no matter what name the Democrats picked, all his official tweets would refer to it as “Wally McWallFace.”

[IMAO Ace Reporter Doldrum contributed to this story]

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