WASHINGTON (AP) – In an unusual procedural move, a bombshell climate change study – which completely disproved the connection between human activity and global temperature – was sentenced to death, tied to a stake, and lit on fire by Democrat Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY).

Upon being presented with the report – titled “You Idiots! You Probably Think Prehistoric Man Ended the Ice Age by Hunting Woolly Mammoths to Extinction, Too, Don’t You?” – during an otherwise uneventful hearing designed to bring the Green New Deal back to the House floor for another vote, Ocasio-Cortez appeared to grow increasingly agitated before suddenly reaching under her chair to obtain a robe, a powdered wig, and a pair of smart-girl glasses, all of which she quickly donned.

“Nobody expects the socialist inquisition!” cried Ocasio-Cortez to puzzled looks from her fellow elected officials, “Now, um… you so-called ‘report’ – you are accused of heresy on three counts – heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action – *four* counts. Do you confess?”

The silence was broken only by the deafening roar of a pin dropping.

And Steve Scalise whispering to Kevin McCarthy “I didn’t know she knew Monty Python,” and McCarthy’s return whisper “She doesn’t.”

“Right!” AOC shouted. “Your silence condemns you! Off with your head!”

After being informed by a puzzled and hesitant House Sergeant-at-Arms that the report actually had no head to be off with, Ocasio-Cortez slumped in her seat, looking defeated.

Until fellow Democrat Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib pointed out that heads are not required for burning at the stake, just flammability, of which, in sufficient degree, the report was decidedly in possession.

Ocasio-Cortez then pulled a stake, firewood, and rope from beneath her chair, secured the report, and ignited the wood.

Minority Leader McCarthy’s objections were ignored by Speaker Pelosi, who was focused on tossing her gavel into the air and counting how many full turns she could get out of it before it came down again and she caught it. “Four”, if you’re wondering.

Just as quickly as the pyre was ignited, however, it was extinguished after it turned out that the carbon offset certificates AOC bought for the event were only good for torching “climate denial” reports and could only be re-lit once certificates covering “climate heresy” were obtained.

When asked later if House rules actually allowed the burning of documents that one disagrees with, Speaker Pelosi said, “You know, the House has a lot of rules, it’s hard to keep track of them all. I know there’s still one on the books forbidding cat-juggling on the House Floor. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was the 70s – a LOT of things seemed like a good idea back then. We almost made ‘The Hustle’ America’s official dance. Anyway, as far as I know, heretical inanimate object immolation is still one of those gray areas.”

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