WASHINGTON DC (AP) – In preparation for next year’s presidential elections, the board of directors of the National Organization for Women (NOW) – the 53-year-old feminist organization that doesn’t look a day over 40 – held a vote wherein they agreed that all feminists should “believe all women” who have accusations to make against men. However, in a separate vote, they also agreed to reserve to themselves the right to vote on who actually counts as a woman.

NOW president Toni Van Pelt said the vote was a watershed moment for the feminist movement and a victory for women everywhere.

“For too long,” said Van Pelt, “women have been prisoners of fear. Fear of speaking up. Fear of what other people might say. Fear of that dress making her look fat. Today, NOW has spoken, and what we’ve said is ‘no more fear!’ From this day forward, any woman can say anything about anyone, and she need not fear, because her feminist sisters at NOW promise to believe every word she says. Especially if it’s something juicy about what some rich, white Republican did to her 30 years ago that she never told anyone about. However, we also promise to believe any woman who accuses a Democrat, liberal, socialist, man of color, or other ally. Women first!”

“Of course,” Van Pelt cautioned, tugging at the dress that was definitely not making her look fat and was only wearing because she was going to a wedding reception later and not because a member of the patriarchy had once complimented her on how it flattered her figure, “while all women are equally believable, not all women are equally women. I mean, certainly men who realize their true identity and make the effort to release their womanhood – whether they have any to release or not – count as women. But the self-hating kind of creature that betrays the interests of her sisters in order to kowtow to male-dominated pressure, or who uses ‘he’ as a gender-neutral pronoun… well, we’ve decided that it’s best for us to vote on their gender on a case-by-case basis.”

NOW Vice President Gilda Yazzie concurred with Van Pelt on the need for flexibility in gender identification.

“Everyone agrees that gender is a very fluid characteristic,” said Yazzie. “Sometimes a man, can suddenly decide he’s a woman, even though he’s never considered himself one before. There’s always that first moment. Or sometimes a woman can suddenly decide she’s a woman, too, because women change their minds about a lot of things, and it’s ok for me to say that because I’m not a man spouting some insensitive stereotype. But the fact is, this has to work both ways. If genders are fluid, it may be that the women who know what’s best – like myself or Toni – might decide that what’s best is for you NOT to be a woman. And if that’s how the vote goes, then there’s simply no way to argue that it’s not true. At least not without being a gender-traitor.”

Gender-traitor and self-identified girly-girl Scarlett Seraphina said she’d recently had NOW declare her “not a woman” after posting something marginally unflattering about Joe Biden.

“All I did was ask why Joe Biden hadn’t been Al Frankened yet,” said Seraphina, “and the next thing you know I’m getting an email from NOW saying my woman card had been revoked and I needed to turn in my mascara. I figured it was a joke, but it turned out that it was only a joke metaphorically.”

“Actually, I kinda feel sorry for them. To the best of my knowledge, feminism became irrelevant the day that men invented the Wonderbra.”

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