GOLDEN, CO (AP) – After analyzing the data from hundreds of studies, researchers at the government’s National Renewable Energy Laboratory (NREL) have determined that the best way to fight climate change is for the government to invest heavily in renewable research grants.

Laboratory Director Adam Bratis described this latest report as a “breakthrough” in the field of global temperature analysis.

“Climate science is a rough business,” said Bratis. “You never know where your next government paycheck is coming from, so you’ve got fingers in a lot of pies, mostly hoping the big money isn’t going to dry up without warning because you’re looking at methane and suddenly clouds become the new black. So you make the science what they want to see. Cook a little here, fudge a little there, but always in different spots, depending on who’s piping the tune, know what I mean? We end up having to waste hundreds of valuable man-hours figuring out who wants to hear what so that we can give it to them. But if our bread were always, you know, buttered on the same side? We could just stick with what we know best: massaging numbers like we’re trying to release Al Gore’s chakra.”

Associate Laboratory Director Bill Farris agreed on the need for a sharp increase in the money that government puts into renewable research grants.

“Dr. Bratis is an expert on renewables,” Farris said. “For example, back in 2009, the Obama administration gave him $10 million to look into combining solar and wind power, and for the next 7 years, that same pile of loot came in every year. I was lead research tech on the project, and I drew thousands of pictures of wind turbines made out of solar panels. Once I even sent in a picture of a pirate ship with solar panel sails. We got $20 million the next year.”

“Then Trump came along and wrecked everything,” sighed Farris “No more renewables. I know everyone says Trump was great for the economy, but that’s only if you’re actually producing something valuable. When your product is nothing but a promise that your thermometer will have a different number on it the next time you look, what kind of idiot would pay money for THAT when he could spend it on something real?”

Farris paused, sifting through the morning mail.

“Hey! A check from the UN!”

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[Happy Birthday to IMAO founder Frank J., who turned 40 today]