The hate crime of hate keys?
The ACLU’s chief legal counsel in the case, Lionel Hutz, called Steinway’s violations “flagrant and egregious”.
“Once upon a time, there were no pianos,” said Hutz, “only harpsichords. They were very popular, every home had one; an elegant instrument, for a more civilized age. And – important historical note – the majority of the keys were black. Fast forward to the modern day, where Steinway has been the dominant force in acoustic keyboard instruments for over a century, and somehow there are barely any black keys left. What are we to make of this symbolic genocide other than it is a deliberate tactic of unconscionable musical bigotry?”
“But really,” said Hutz, “this isn’t about music. This is about the marginalization of an entire race of human beings. How is a person of color supposed to look at a keyboard – ANY keyboard – and not feel shamed, diminished, and ‘othered?’ The statement Steinway makes with its keyboard is that ‘black is an inferior color, and must be kept contained by more numerous and superior white keys.’ Not to mention the fact that the black keys are smaller. They could easily be the same size. But keeping the blacks as a small, vulnerable minority seems to fit better into Steinway’s bigoted agenda.”
Paul Biegler, the attorney for Steinway, called the suit “a ridiculous bucket of hog slop” and said he expected “a quick dismissal.”
“First,” said Biegler, “the piano was invented in the 1700’s. Steinway and Sons didn’t even exist before 1853. Seems to me the person you should be complaining to has probably been dead for 200 years. Might need to talk a little louder, then. Second, the keys of Steinway pianos are made of Bavarian spruce. And you know what you do if you don’t like the color of a piece of wood? That’s right, you can paint it. Third, we are more than happy to customize our pianos for people. But no one has ever ordered a piano with white half-tone keys. Why? Because it looks stupid, and no one wants to pay $150,000 for a stupid-looking piano, no matter how SJW they are. In fact, we offered to make a rainbow keyboard for Elton John, but you know what he said? He said it looked ‘too gay’. Go figure.”
While awaiting the outcome of this trial, the ACLU is still preparing its latest landmark legal effort, suing Glock for making black guns, an obvious racial slur.
—–
< AOC Proposes Balanced Budget After Being Bitten by Radioactive Accountant
Shouldn’t the ACLU sue itself for using black ink when it sues everyone?
This is tooooooo silly
I don’t know… I think it’s just the right amount of silly…
Then again, I’ve spent years building up an immunity to silly. And iocaine powder…
They don’t have any brown or yellow keys either.
Don’t even get started on the gender of the keys.
As usual, there’s only one thing causing all those keys to make noise: the press.
Awright, Snopes … Have at it!! Call Lionel Hutz now & get to some fact-checkin’!!
I once had a nightmare that Elton John was a super hero called Sphincter Man.
That is very witty.
How can I get a copy of this email? Too funny.
Doesn’t matter. AntiFa is going to burn down their factory anyway (as soon as they can find out where in China it’s located) ’cause their pianos have 88 keys. Unforgivable dog whistle violation.
Bacon to you for catching that. I missed it, and I wrote an entire article about racist dog whistles
Eighty-eight keys? EIGHTY EIGHT? AHAAA, now we’ve got them, You all know that the eighth letter in the alphabet is “H”. Two 8’s, therefore, make two “H”‘s, which in turn, means …….Yeah, you got it, ……………..HEIL HITLER! Those fascists are hiding everywhere.
This was, of course, after a complaint issued by the SPLC.
I am offended if YOU are not offended.
Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don’t we?
Bacon to you just for showing up. Stop being such a stranger!
Steinway….even the name sounds subversive. Have they made the Southern Poverty Law Center hit list yet?
I get mad when I hear black and white, I am not black or white, I am pink, and I draking up in the summer.So why not have pink keys.
You know how you know the keys are Lesbian? All they ever get is fingered!
Then where do baby grands come from?
Certain kind of horns.
Satire in measured amounts is fun for all, but when it goes too far, like this one, it’s just a bore. Crazy as the world has become, no one could ever read this feeble attempt at humour without a sneer.
Is that a full Elvis sneer or one of those fool Billy Idol sneers?
Asking for a friend.
Sneer quittin’ time, that’s all I know.
.
“Nobody enjoys a good joke more than me. Except my wife. And some of her friends. Oh, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good joke more than me.”
{Yeah, too lazy to look up the actual wording….}
Sometimes I think “Nobody enjoys a joke more than me…” is about the same as “Some of my best friends are…”.
Fipple, this is my house and you are a guest here. I expect you to comport yourself with dignity, and that means that if you are intending to criticize the host, you should do so politely, by stating your criticisms as your opinion.
“I think that satire in measured amounts is fun, but when it goes too far, like this one, I find it boring. Crazy as the world has become, I couldn’t read this feeble attempt at humour without a sneer.”
That’s your opinion. That’s fair. And I won’t argue that your feelings are somehow wrong.
But when you state your opinions in a tone implying that they are facts with which everyone agrees, I find that to go beyond mere impolity to the point of rudeness.
Please do not be rude to your hosts. I believe that’s just common courtesy.
Also, you misspelled “humor”
Watch it Harvey, you’re using civility, reason and logic and that makes you…
A racist!
Satire in measured amounts is fun, but not on an all-satire site.