Right Wing Duck posted this in 2005. — The Editors

According to Michelle Malkin’s recent post, the United Nations has not been very open in telling the public how the Tsunami Funds are being used.

Normally, I agree with Michelle on a lot of things, but in this case IMAO has once again trumped a real world “journalist”

By going to the United Nations FAQ I was able to get the answers that Michelle was too lazy (probably because she works 60 hours a week) to get on her own.

THE UNITED NATIONS FAQ ON TSUNAMI RELIEF FUNDS.
United Nations FAQ

Q: Can I really get information from the UN detailing how our hard earned money was spend on those poor victims of the tsunami?

A: Of course, the United Nations is committed to ensuring complete transparency. We do not even want to give the appearance of anything inappropriate. Our books are wide open for the general public to view.

Q: That’s great. I love the UN. So, how was my donation spent?

A: None of your damn business.

Q: Pardon me?

A: Our apologies. Sometimes we spend so much time around here just keeping track of the kids we sometimes get a short temper. Hold on, on second: KOJO — YOU GET THAT MERCEDES BENZ OUT OF THE HANDICAPPED PARKING. YOU KNOW THAT’S RESERVED FOR POOR, INJURED PALESTINIANS. Thank you for your patience. What was your question?

Q: I donated a lot of money for the victims of the tsunami. How was it spent?

A.: None of your damn business.

Q:Are you sure that you’re using that money to benefit the victims.

A: Well, it depends on how you define “victim”. Besides, we’re pretty sure it’s doing some good, wherever that money is going.

Q: Are you telling me that nobody there knows what’s going on?

A: I think we have an accountant somewhere. We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: You don’t know? Do you understand the meaning of the word HONESTY?

A: We’ll have to ask one of the interpreters.

Q: Besides the money, what else have you done in the areas ravaged by the tsunami?

A.We like it when people change the subject. We’ve done a lot of good in these areas. For example, in Thailand, with the help of the generous donations by Americans, we’ve been able to establish centers that not only help feed the poor — but helps them defend themselves against evil influences.

Q: What evil influences are those?

A: Americans.

Q: What do you mean evil? We gave you tons and tons of money.

A: That has yet to be proven! Can you show us where all of this alleged money is?

Q: Yes, we gave you craploads of money. You should have record of it in your accounting department. Ask THEM, they’ll tell you.

A. I’m sorry. That department is none of your damn business.

Thanks for visiting the UN webpage. Make sure you stop by the donation page. Every dollar makes a difference.

RightWingDuck posted this back in 2005. — The Editors

I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids — well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.

Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated — but he also wrote a kids book.

This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds — and to make lots and lots of money.

However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!

So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.

Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95

Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.

Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”

Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”

So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.

The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn’t so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.

Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”

His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.

Sadly, all of the positions that were available were too far beneath a convicted felon.

So Killer K thought, “This is a horrible way to live. This makes me want to kill even MORE people.” Then he changed his mind and said, “I should write a book. A book that will inspire children everywhere.” He sat down with his lawyers and thought about different titles.

The book was a huge success. It sold over three HUNDRED copies. In some cities, there were some people who had actually read it!! With this important accomplishment under his belt — Killer K was ready to ask the world for forgiveness. Sadly, the world was not ready to forgive. Probably because they were racist. So he got some friends together to help him ask for help.

Now the whole word knew what was happening! This made Killer K very happy. What will happen to Killer K? I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy the next book.

$6.95 at your local retailer.

**

What do you think? Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, and I haven’t quite worked out the ending although I’ll probably have one tonight by midnight.

RightWingDuck posted this in 2005. — The Editors

Posted by RightWingDuck as a favor to Santa Claus.

Santa has been kind enough to answer questions for the fans of IMAO. You folks have no idea how special you are!

Here are just some of the questions that you asked Santa along with his special one of a kind answers….

Ask Santa – A special IMAO session

Question: Santa – Since Christmas has not been cancelled due to a strike or labor costs, I assume that your elves are non-union. Am I correct?
Posted by The Man

Ho, ho, ho. You are so The Man. yes, you’re right. I don’t use union labor. This explains why products from the North Pole seldom break down.

You know the secret – hiring the right people You should interview one of my foremen Elves – like Juan Garcia. Or the other Juan Garcia. Unfortunately, this year I did lose some elves when they decided to go get some work rebuilding New Orleans.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Question: Santa – I would really like to have Chucky Schumer’s head on a pike for Christmas.

Is that doable?
Posted by jimmyb

Ho ho ho. Oh, Jimmy B. You ask for that every Christmas. I’d like to say yes to you, but only if that is also the wish of Chucky Schumer himself. Otherwise, I’ll have to bring you your second choice – Barbra Streisand Sings Her Favorite War Protest Love Songs.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas, little Jimmy.

Question: Oh Santa…I have a weakness for furry, overweight men, with bags full of neat toys – Does Mrs. Clause ever let you out, other than Christmas time?
Posted by Wonder Woman

Ho.

If you like getting frisky, may I suggest you use something besides the invisible jet? Really, lady, you’re not hiding anything. You’re on the naughty list this year and I didn’t even have to do any spying. Mrs. Claus and I enjoy each other’s company very much. Thanks for asking.

Ho. Ho. Ho.
Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: Santa Answers – Part I’ »

San Francisco recently passed Proposition H, which bans the ownership of guns in homes and businesses.

I for one am comforted by the fact that San Francisco has taken this safety measure. Now when some big dude meets you along a dark street, you’ll know that it’s not a gun in his pocket. The downside of course is that he’s really happy to see you.

This has gotten me to thinking about Proposition H. Sure, it’s currently being challenged by the National Rifle Association (Motto: Don’t make us shoot you), but it doesn’t mean that some GOOD things can’t come from all of this.

I’d like to offer some…

Observations on Proposition H.

Health Insurance costs may not go down, but at least working conditions will be much better — for criminals.

It is finally easier to identify the criminals. They’re the ones with the guns. The victims are the ones lying in the pool of blood.

More good news. Most shootings will now be intentional.

Proposition H pitted two big players. The “No” side was supported heavily by the NRA. The “Yes” side was heavily supported by the Trauma Centers.

Guns are banned to all private citizens, except police officers. Citizens are still allowed to carry Super Soakers.

Note: All Super Soakers must sport a bright orange tip.

Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: Proposition H – A fun look at gun control’ »

IMAO’s own Mr. Language Person, Right Wing Duck, posted this in 2005. — The Editors

Grammar rules

I admire Michelle Malkin. She has good word usements.

In one post, she directs her readers to a great quiz on grammar.

Mark Goldblatt at NRO give the quiz.. Being the kind of IMAO writer who aspirates to master the English language, I figured I’d applicate my skills to see how I would do.

I’ll get through this before my ADD kicks in and I forget what I was doing.

1) Define the terms “independent clause” and “dependent clause.”

Well, a long time ago, Santa hired two assistants. One was really good and got things done. The other was clingy and kept blaming “shortism” for all of his failings. Eventually, the clingy one was promoted to ensure diversity in the Elf staff and, well, let us never talk about the exploding Jack In the Boxes again. Eventually, Independent Clause started his own business with labor from third world countries, and threatened Santa with a buyout. I forgot how it ends. But I’m pretty sure we can blame Wal-Mart.

2) Find the subject in the following sentence: “Many of my friends drive to school.”

A Ha! A trick question! Some would say that the Subject is Driver’s Education. But it asks about driving TO the school, which tells us that it’s morning. The fact that many friends are involved means that Bill and Jane are probably getting cozy in the backseat while the thumping bass on the car stereo breaks windows as it passes through the neighborhood. I’m not saying it’s Sex Ed, but it’s pretty darn close.

3) What are the three principal parts of the verb “to bite”?

Let’s use a visual aid

(RWD pulls out a 15 pound hamburger)

First there’s there’s the pre-bite. That’s where you say, “Hmm. I’m gonna get me some of this!” Then there’s the actual bite itself. I recommend small bites, this way you can talk while you’re eating. Then, there’s the post-bite. Postbites vary. For some, they order a doggy bag, Others take a big drink. If you’re like me, you can pretend you found some gross thing in your food so you can try to get it for free (unless you’re lucky enough to end up with a REAL finger tip or something.)

4) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Is that sentence written in a present tense or a past tense?

I’ve met John. Believe me. Two years is a long enough sentence for any woman. I recommend they think about breaking up. Methods for breaking up include, Dear John letters, phone conversations, or faking your own disappearance.

5) “Jane has been dating John for two years.” Change that sentence to the corresponding past tense.

Well, it just so happens that corresponding is what I do best!! Try this one:”Dear John, it’s not you. It’s me–”

6) What three parts of speech can an adverb modify?

As you know. Adverbs are not native to North America. They came over on the Mayflower with the original settlers and were used to torture to poor native Americans. So Natives got orders such as “Finish this promptly” and “Run for your lives, quickly!” As such, I do not acknowledge adverbs as a legitimate part of life.

Had they not come over, nothing here would have been modified. Sure some people say, “How would I know to run quickly?” and I say, “You’re stupid. Have you ever heard of slow running?” –besides the movies just before the car explodes behind you. That’s cool.

“Look at the bomb. It blew up!”

“Yes, It blew up quickly.”

7) What is the main use of a semi-colon?

Medical questions? Man, this is harder than the census. The Semi-colon is located on the human body just before the colon. Let me just say that I’m a big believer in cancer screenings for semi-colorectal cancer.

8) “Jane invited John and me.” “Jane invited John and I.” Which is correct?

See, what I told you about Jane. She can’t even make up her mind. This is why she should not have to carry out her full sentence with John. I vote that her sentence be overturned.

9) “He should of told me that I wasn’t invited.” What’s the error in that sentence?

Simple. It’s never good to advise somebody that they are not wanted in a party. It’s always best to make up an excuse, such as “we’ll get back to you” or “they cheated” or “let’s wait until 2008”.

10) “Every person is entitled to their own opinion.” What’s the error in that sentence?

I disagree. Everyone is entitled to MY opinion — although, honestly speaking, opinions vary. Besides, I’ve met everyone. Really. And the only thing they want to talk about is whether or not Paula Abdul is dating Dependant Clause.

How shallow.

**

Excellent.

I’ll go back later and grade the test. Right now I need to sit and play some videogames.

Remember Right Wing Duck’s children’s book? Sure you do. It was from 2005. — The Editors

I’ve accomplished a lot of things in my life. I’ve gotten married, I’ve had kids — well, not me, I mean my wife, and I’ve even managed to hold down a job. But sometimes these accomplishments seem so hollow. Why? Because I haven’t been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sure, I’ve never been a murderous thug, but that’s only an unofficial requirement.

Having watched the news, it seems that there’s a death row inmate here in California who not only was nominated — but he also wrote a kids book.

This is inspirational. I’ve always wanted to write a kids book to help inspire all those young eager minds — and to make lots and lots of money.

However, it seems that most publishers want to see some sort of “draft” before they’ll fork over any dough! Don’t they know who I am? Every day I hold Frank J’s Coat!!

So it is with sincere pleasure that I now share my latest entry into the exciting world of Children’s books.

Give Me Your Money, By RWD. Retail Price $6.95

Once upon a time, there was a sweet, and gentle gangbanger. His friends called him Killer K. One day Killer K said, “I’m Hungry.” His friends laughed at him. So he shot them.

Some other friends looked on this and said, “Killer, if you had a job, then you would have money. Then you could have all the food you want.”

Killer K thought about this. People were always telling him to learn a skill, take his life seriously, and become a productive member of society. “Get a job?” he said. “That’s racist.”

So Killer K did the next best thing. He robbed a bank.

The bank robbery went perfect. Except for killing a few people, and getting caught. But the bank had free breath mints, so Killer wasn’t so hungry. The next day, the true story was all over the newspapers. He was sent to jail despite pleadings from overweight ministers saying that Killer K was the true victim.

Killer K said, “Now that I’m in prison, I’ll have all the things I need.”

His lawyers said that he should put himself into one of the many wonderful prison rehab programs. These programs trained prisoners in important job skills.

Sadly, all of the positions that were available were too far beneath a convicted felon.

So Killer K thought, “This is a horrible way to live. This makes me want to kill even MORE people.” Then he changed his mind and said, “I should write a book. A book that will inspire children everywhere.” He sat down with his lawyers and thought about different titles.

The book was a huge success. It sold over three HUNDRED copies. In some cities, there were some people who had actually read it!! With this important accomplishment under his belt — Killer K was ready to ask the world for forgiveness. Sadly, the world was not ready to forgive. Probably because they were racist. So he got some friends together to help him ask for help.

Now the whole word knew what was happening! This made Killer K very happy. What will happen to Killer K? I’m sorry, you’ll have to buy the next book.

$6.95 at your local retailer.

**

What do you think? Sure, it’s a bit rough around the edges, and I haven’t quite worked out the ending although I’ll probably have one tonight by midnight.

Here’s one from 2006 by our old friend Right Wing Duck. — The Editors

If you’re like me, you’re probably getting fed up with religious extremists. That’s why I took great joy in hearing that Hollywood bought the rights to Al Gores new documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.” For those of you who don’t know, Al Gore was involved in a movie about global warming. I haven’t seen it but assume it involves the liberal basics: American blame, corporate greed, and a gay love story.

Before I go on, let me be clear on something: I have a high tolerance for religious values — I really do. But it seems like every day one of these whack jobs stops me to share “the good news” that the “end is coming soon” and we have to be “ready” for the “glorious day.”

Of course, “that glorious day” refers to the final day of the Bush Administration. After that, they tell us, we can start to address the issues of global warming.

But religious wackos like Gore really get on my nerves. It seems like we keep seeing clips of Al Gore screaming stuff like, “Global Warming is going to kill us”, or “the U.S. Hates Arabs” or “Where’s My Ketchup?!” With the sale of this movie to Hollywood, now maybe Al’s influence can go beyond affecting the tides.

This must be stopped! We could do something about Gore and these religious extremists if only we had a greater separation of church and state. Is there nothing we can do? Why must these myopic people force their views on us? Why can’t they accept that the theory of Darwin isn’t some sort of fairy tale involving half truths, huge gaps in evidence, and wishful denial of a deity?

If they would accept it, then we could move and and enjoy a quiet and peaceful evolutionary process. That is why today I call on IMAO readers to join me in a brand new movement – the kind you have never ever seen before.

Today, I call on us to demand MORE global warming.

I know this may not be a popular request. If the polar ice caps melt and the world ocean levels rise, this could wipe out countless species. If the volcanoes rage out of control we could end up with a world full of muddy ash. And let’s not forget the freezing cold we’re undergoing. There’s nothing worse that being flooded, freezing, and hot. But it would be wrong to stop global warming. Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided – we must allow global warming to happen. It is the only scientifically logical choice. Let me explain.

A few hours before the flood, the IMAO crew was in New Orleans. We were taking a tour, while Lair was off by the levees muttering something about a Zionist conspiracy. I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention. As the flood waters came, and we tried to get out, I remember telling rescue workers to ignore all those people stranded on rooftops and not to save them. Yet, those “religious wackos” were so focused on saving “precious life” that they wouldn’t let the Darwinian evolutionary process take place.

When will this fascism end?

I remember Frank and I taking bets. How long before these stranded roof dwellers would adapt to the environment? What would happen? Would they develop the ability to drink toxic water? Would their digestive systems mutate to be able to eat roof shingles? Gills? Bright orange skin allowing them to be seen from far away?

Sadly, the fascist extremists and the respect for life won out, and we were left to wonder what would have happened to these roof dwellers, and why Lair kept yelling, “I did it. I did it!”

Well – no more. NO MORE!! If we teach this evolutionary process and believe in it, then it is only fair that we let it go forward – none of this “preserve Mother Earth” crap. It’s time to Let Go and Let Evolution.

Want to help? I thought you would.

Here are the things that you, as an every day evolving species, can do to accelerate global warming and allow change to happen!

Screw the trees. There are acres and acres of forests out there that do nothing but impede the growth of future Wal-Marts. This is unacceptable. Remember, forests are a good place for all those Bambi and Thumper types to gather and create sinister plots. Besides, Bambi and Thumper can adapt.

Drive everywhere. Sometimes, I call my neighbor and ask for a ride – to the end of my driveway. Helpful hint: hard driving can generate more pollution. I tend to Burn Rubber from stoplight to stoplight. This not only makes me look cool – but should I get lost – I can find my way back by following the tire marks.

Become a celebrity. Take Barbra Streisand for example: her many mansions take a ton of energy to power and heat. If you were to stand on her front porch, you could look up at the sky and practically see the hole in the ozone layer getting bigger. Then you’d have to run, because your survival instinct would kick in saying, “It’s Barbra – she’s going to eat me.”

I’m still investigating other potential steps such as having the US sign the Kyoto Agreements. I strongly suspect that joining the Kyoto is as effective as Al Gore’s gym membership. This, however, will require some research – so you’ll have to wait for that as a separate post.

We hope you join our cause.

Right Wing Duck wrote this in 2006. — The Editors

I don’t often eat at Crackerbarrel, mostly because I don’t know what it is. However, if the name is any indication, i assume it’s some sort of gathering place for white people.

Personally, I was surprised to hear that Chris Rock’s mother is suing the people at Crackerbarrel for discrimination. What WERE YOU EXPECTNG!!??! It’s called CRACKER barrel. If you ain’t a cracker you have no business being there.

The other day, my friends and I were having dinner at the Bean Factory. That’s a Mexicans-only place where my friends and I like to hang out and look out the window and count the honkies. Here in Los Angeles we have a few of them, but not many. Anyway, when the burritos and tequila ( a Mexican drink) arrived, we started talking about this. The consensus was – Mrs. Rock – Quit hanging out at the WhiteyBarrel or Crackerjar or whatever it’s called.

Sometimes we feel sorry for whitey. It’s getting to the point where they have no place to go – so they resort to golf clubs with full amenities and expensive gated communities. But what about those whiteys who aren’t so well-to-do? Sure, they have their trailer parks but where should they eat?

That’s right. Crackerbarrel.

So I say Let’s let Whitey Have a Place to Hangout, drink a beer, and boss around the Mexican help.

Let’s hear your opinions in the Comments Section.