CNN’s Rick Sanchez thinks Jon Stewart is a bigot and Jews run CNN.

I don’t think Jews run CNN, but If they did:

• Instead of a headquarters in Atlanta, they’d have a timeshare in
  Boca.

• Every time they cover a disaster, they’d pledge fifty bucks.
• For Passover, they’d hide the liberal bias in the studio and let the
  kids search for it.

• Crossfire’s tagline: “One From The Left, One From The Right, Three
  Opinions”

• Instead of losing money, it would be profitable. But not too much. It
  doesn’t want to show off. It makes enough to live on, and it’s thankful
  for that.

• More pointing and squinting.
• After years on television, they’d have made a movie by now, or at
  least opened on Broadway.
  – Hide quoted text –

• AOL would have paid wholesale for Time Warner instead of retail.
• Instead of James Earl Jones saying “This is CNN.” you’d hear Gilbert
  Gottfried shout “CNN: It’s Like An Orgasm Of News!”

• Lawrence Harvey Zeiger wouldn’t have changed his name to Larry King.
  (Zieger’s a fine name. Why change it? What, you’re not proud of it?)

• And he’d have been replaced by Jon Stewart.

The Saudi Foreign Minister is heading to Annapolis, but according to TIME Magazine, he’s not there to shake hands:

Will you try to get to know him at the conference, shake his hand and have a chat?
No, this is not theater. We are going seriously for peace negotiations. We are not going there just to take pictures of somebody shaking somebody’s hand. We can’t give false impressions to people. The hand that has been extended to us has been a fist so far. Once it opens for peace, it will be shaken.
Will you avoid shaking his hand if he approaches you?
I’m not going to be there for theatrical gestures of shaking hands that mean nothing. You shake hands, and it implies that you have agreed on something. We have not agreed on anything yet. Better than shaking our hands, he should respond in honesty to the proposals that we have put on the table.
Shaking his hand could send a signal to Israelis that there is a partner for peace.
We are there to support Mahmoud Abbas, the Syrians, and the Lebanese to get their territory. We are there in all honesty, if peace is achieved, to pursue that what was promised in the Arab peace plan. That is normalization, after the peace. We are not going to be party to gestures that could be interpreted as normalization before peace is attained.

TIME Magazine cut out the rest of this line of questioning:
What if Ehud Olmert disguises himself as a Mexican and tries to shake hands with you?
The hair-weave and mustache may fool me, but the hook-nose and tourist-quality sombrero would be a dead giveaway.
According to some medical journals, Israeli researchers have perfected limb-grafting and transplantation. What if Ehud Olmert grafted an Arab hand to his wrist and offered to shake hands with you?
I would demand the return of the stolen Arab hand and for Olmert to return to the 1967 borders.
What if you find yourself eating spaghetti at the conference, start slurping at a long strange, and find yourself face-to-face with Ehud Olmert? Will you kiss him like that Lady In The Tramp movie?
No, but I may be convinced to negotiate the nuzzling of a meatball in his direction. But the Lebanese, Syrians, and Palestinians will be left to negotiate their own meatballs.
What if Ehud Olmert refuses to shake hands with you?
What?
What if he reaches out to you in a crowd, sticks his hand out, you reach for it, and he pulls it back and yells GOTCHA! or something?
I refused to shake hands with him first! Arabs refused to shake first long before Jews refused to shake first!
Maybe he sticks his arm through the arm of someone else and…
No, really. Cut it out. Do you want me to raise the price of oil, Infidel?
How do you respond to the accusation that you’re not acting as negotiators when you make a proposal and then refuse to discuss its terms with the party it is being offered to?
That’s as absurd as the accusation that 15 out of 19 of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudi Muslim Arabs. Everybody knows that Saudis never do an honest day’s work in their life. That’s what foreign workers are for.
Planning on getting any Christmas shopping done while here in Annapolis?
Don’t be disgusting.
Well, thank you for your time, Foreign Minister.
The pleasure was all mine. (shakes hands) By the way, I didn’t catch your name…
Ehud Olmert.
But… but…
I’m quite proud of the sombrero… would you like me to send you one?
DAMN YOU, ZIONIST BABYKILLER!

A Filipino entrepreneur created a gigantic Israeli flag to show their gratitude for Israel’s hosting Filipino guestworkers, 50 years of diplomatic relations, yadda yadda.
They also included a gigantic Filipino flag as part of the package.
In other news, Mexican illegal aliens are suing California to get school exams in Spanish. No word yet what size Mexican flag they’ll be sending to America to fly here as part of the reconquista.

UPDATE:
A spokesman for the comatose Ariel Sharon says that the massive flag is still too small for the former prime minister’s coffin, and he’s working with 1,000 local tailors to “let it out a little.”

I’m having one of those days.
I wish FrankJ would release a second collection of his In My World stories. I’m too lazy to go back through the archive, you know.
Anyway, they were inspiration for this ongoing tale I’ve been thumbing into reality at Twitter…
isfullofcrap Annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon. sigh Bush is a wuss. He should have killed those turkeys with his bare hands like a real man.
isfullofcrap “That’s me, I’m the Decider. And I just decidered that yer fer dinner. Gobble on this!” WHACK (thud) WHACK (thud)
isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: “If elected President, I will slaughter any livestock visitors bring to the White House with just the power of my gigantic head.”
isfullofcrap (And then he discovers that one of the hideous clucking creatures with thick wattles he’s just clobbered is actually Helen Thomas)
isfullofcrap He calls his mother. Barbara suggests deep-frying Helen Cajun-style. Laura says no, not healthy. Maybe roasting without the skin?
isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: “If elected President, I will eat Helen Thomas raw with nothing else but Ranch dipping sauce for flavor.”
isfullofcrap The twins, ever-helpful, order up margaritas. Cheney mistakes microwave for margarita machine, pacemaker goes haywire. ROBOT RAMPAGE!
isfullofcrap John Kerry phones… challenges Bush to online Guitar Hero 2. “I’m a War Hero, too. I won three Purple Hea-” Bush quickly hangs up.
isfullofcrap Fred Thompson video: “I won three Grammy Awards with nothing but a moonshine jug.”
isfullofcrap Helen Thomas stirs, tries to ask for a doctor, but incapable of asking a straight question anymore. Rants about health care system.
Not sure where this is going. I have the feeling Mecha-Cheney is going to wipe Georgetown off the map while Dennis Kucinich is raising campaign funds my moonlighting as a Christmas Elf.

Dear Prince,
Hindu Love Gods did Raspberry Beret better than you did.
They still could do it better, and Warren’s been dead three years.
SUCK ON IT!
Signed,
Someone who only uses your photo to help him vomit, so it’s legal, right?

Well, folks, the madness has struck Christmas: Santa has been asked to slim down to give a good example to kids.
Yeah, I’m just waiting for the note from the Political Correctness Police asking my people to “kill Jesus a little more humanely next time.”

Dear Ann Coulter,
Can we keep the Klezmer?
Love,
Laurence Simon

Exclusive to IMAO!

Okay, so I’ve got a pair of ergonomic wrist-wraps that I’m supposed to test for the next week.
If you’re not familiar with ergonomics, it comes from the Greek word for… um… well, two Greek words for… well, two Greek words. And the last thing you want to know is what two Greeks do, okay? Especially when the phrase “Just strap these on and see how it feels” is involved.
This whole wrist-rest thing has something to do with the radio show I’m on most Saturday afternoons. Since it’s a technology show, I’m testing carpal tunnel-preventing gel-filled wrist rests. If it were a cookshow, I’d probably be testing a spatula (“Unhand that purse, thief, or I’ll spatula you such a knock on the head!”).
I type a lot, so when I saw the wrist-rests, I got an avaricious look in my eye.
“Would you like these?” Garf said. (The host’s name is Garf.)
“How much do they cost?” I asked.
“Oh, you can have these. In fact…”
I didn’t hear the rest, because you know how it is with me and getting things for free. With FrankJ, it’s just in Frank’s nature, but for me it’s a religious thing.
Anyway, I’m supposed to keep a diary of how these things feel, so here’s my first impressions:

• Don’t forget to take them off before going to the bathroom again.
• I look about as dorkish as I did without the things.
• When asked, I tell people they’re to keep me from slashing my wrists because life sucks so badly. NOW WHERE’S THE NEW MORRISSEY ALBUM???
• Unlike Wonder Woman’s wrist-bracers, these don’t stop bullets.
• The gel does not taste like blueberry jam.
• Co-workers love to use them to strap me to the chair and roll me down the stairs. Ha ha ha ha. Ouch.
• My wrists feel great. But my shoulders and elbows feel like Hell.

So there you go. First day with the wrist-rests.
Tomorrow I’m going to see if they can help me float in the pool, then Wednesday I’m going to bake an apple pie without oven mitts.
Ergonomics, man! Ergonomics!

If Jesus came back and saw all this, I’d think he’d cop a plea. I sure as hell wouldn’t die for all this species’ sins.
Ward Chruchill the Fake Indian called the WTC victims “Little Eichmans.” Based on his politics, you’d think he’d venerate Eichman.
For lunch, I’m eating a ham and cheese with bacon sandwich. Yahweh. Allah, and my doctor can bite my ass.
Buddhism is the true religion of peace. They should sue Islam for deceptive marketing practices.
I don’t need 72 virgins. Just give me four hotties in bikinis playing beach volleyball on ESPN2. And some cheese fries.
If Abu Hamsa al Masri were deported, his severed head would hit the tarmac first. A UK jail is Paradise for him.
Evil exists. Moral relativism is an evil in an of itself. Comparison of civilization to barbarism on equal grounds is shameful myopic guilt.
Saddam is dead. Pinochet is dead. Waldheim is dead. Arafat is dead. Fahd is dead. So when good people die, take comfort in death’s totality.
How many problems would be solved if India and Pakistan had a nuclear war? Can we outsource the inevitable Iran-USA conflict somehow?
All those eloquent statements by America’s celebrities. So glad their writers ran out of material. It just didn’t sound natural.
The only good that came out of the towers collapsing was the silencing of so many NYC tv and radio transmitters. So much garbage these days.
We are not all New Yorkers, as Rudy G. claimed back in 2001. No, to our enemies, we are all INFIDELS.
Never worry that your daughter will be forced to wear a burkah in an Islamic state of America. We’ll all be beheaded first.
Loose Change is the Plan 9 From Outer Space of documentaries.
Gazans danced with glee on 9/11. They still do, but CNN & BBC won’t show it. Too many kidnappings, you know. Bad for business.
When I hear conspiracists talk about 4,000 Jews staying home from work on 9/11, I like to tell them “And they know where you live.”
I don’t consider Lebanon a country. It is a pathetic, weak-willed tool used by other countries for violence upon others.
(and then he arrived at work)