Spacemonkey penned this in 2006. — The Editors

I heard on Rush Limbaugh yesterday that some of the Democrats are bent out of shape because some people, Rush and Bush included, call their party the Democrat Party instead of the Democratic Party. I know I do this.

I guess they want at least the idea of Democracy to be somewhat associated with them. Sell the sizzle, not the steak and all that.

But is it very democratic to dictate to others what you would have them call you? Oh, I think not. Dictatorly, that’s what it is.

But, since they want to be all democratic-like, what to call them should be decided in a democratical way.

By a vote. And vote we will. Now taking nominations. No profanity please.

What would be a good democratically chosen name for the party with the big smelly ass for a mascot?

When the Senate slips into a closed session some super special secret rules apply. Here are just a few of them.

• Standing Senate Rule .20 (the Teddy Kennedy Rule) – Closed session – Open Bar!
• First Rule of Closed Session: Nobody talks about closed session!
• Rule 2 – What happens in closed session STAYS in closed session.
• Rule 3.14 – Everybody gets free pie, all you can eat. Mmmm pie.
• Rule 5 – Senators must use secret handshake and refer to each other by their self-assigned top secret code names. Harry Reid’s is “H.R. Uber Smooth.”
• Rule 32 – Casual Dress AKA Clothing optional.

There are, as indicated by the gaps, other super secret Senate rules but they are so secret even I don’t even know them. Or do I?

Unfortunately since you now know some of the secret rules, I must kill you all now. I’m sorry, really.

Update: It’s been pointed out that Rule 32 makes rule 2 a lot more interesting. My response to that is “What about all the pie and open bar? Don’t they juice things up too?”

Spacemonkey gave us this in 2005. — The Editors

Sometimes top ten lists practically write themselves. Others are a lot harder. Some, well, forget it. With that in mind, I give you the..

Top Ten List Of Really Hard To Write Top 10 Lists.

10. Top 10 List Of Food Items Michael Moore Has Not Eaten At Least 12 Of At A Single Sitting…Today

9. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Not Sued Someone About

8. Top 10 List Of Elements Of Any Non-Christian Holiday That The ACLU Has Sued ANYONE About

7. Top 10 Longest Times Ted Kennedy Has Been Sober (There’s only one)

6. The Top 10 Comic Strips Drawn by Ted Rall That Were Either Artistic OR Funny (Not Just To His Mom)

5. Top 10 List Of People Who’ve Ever Paid Back Every Cent They Borrowed From You

4. Top 10 List Of Bathroom Floors You’d Ever Apply The “Three Second Rule” To

3. Top 10 List Of Sharp, Knife-Like Items That Are Fun To Gouge Really, Really Deeply Into Your Eye (Either One)

2. Top 10 List Of Admirable Things About Oliver Willis, KOS , and Atrios (combined)

and the Number One Really Hard To Write Top 10 List…

1. Top 10 List Of People Who’d Rather Read A Top 10 List About Top 10 Lists Than Eat Freshly Baked Pie. Mmmmmm Pie.

In honor of Spacemonkey’s birthday (which today is not) we offer this posting from 2005. — The Editors

With gas prices getting higher than a hippie eating ‘special’ brownies I though it salient to come up with some way to help people out. So I came up with the…

Top Ten things that can help stretch your gasoline budget.

10) Learn astral projection. It’s just like being there with out all the actually being there.

9) Take a lesson from NASCAR and draft as much as possible. (No, Sen. Rangel, not that draft)

8) Be uphill from everywhere you want to go. So you can just coast.

7) Three things: Siphon hose, gas can and cover of night. You do the math.

6) Drive the speed limit. Speeding not only burns more gas, it can seriously get your Commie Italian rear end shot at/up.

5) Don’t drive for a week, then use the money you saved to hire a mercenary army to fight a war for oil on your behalf. I suggest Iran, lots of oil and no US Marines, yet.

4) Instead of the fine gasoline you normally use, fill up with dark, rich, sparkling Folger’s crystals and see if your car can tell the difference.

3) Instead of driving, get from place to place using roller blades and a lasso, borrow momentum from passing vehicles.

2) Get the eco-friendly utopia converter kit that the hippies use so your car will run on moonbeams, butterfly kisses, and B. O. (that’s right, now you know)

And the number one thing that can help stretch your gasoline budget….
Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: Top Ten Things That Can Help Stretch Your Gasoline Budget.’ »

Here’s one from 2005 by SpaceMonkey. Or Spacemonkey. Or Space Monkey. We’re not really sure. — The Editors

Warning!!!! (Mostly) Non-Political Humor Ahead.

What will be the next way to space?

Rockets? We’re using those now so ‘next’ doesn’t exactly apply. But since I brought them up, they are too expensive and too dangerous. And they are inconvenient, you have to endure all those gut-wrenching G forces,

“Hello lunch. Its… been a while.”

Then there’s the [sigh] fire. All these years have passed and humans are still using FIRE to get to space? Fire is something you yell for fun in a crowded theater, its not for exploring the final frontier.

Space Elevator? Electric, better than fire. But listening to elevator music for over 6 hours is enough to make just about anybody completely Dean out.

“Hmmm, was that the 23rd or the 24th time I’ve heard ‘New York, New York?”

“Do I care?”

“Why do I keep asking myself questions?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ack! Now I’m answering!”

duh duh dada dada DUH – Start spreading….the news…..-

“Yeaarrrrgh!”

And everybody dies.

And can you imagine standing, waiting, watching the floor indicator for that long either? No amount of small talk can fill a 6 hour elevator ride.

“Nice weather we’re having.”

“Yeah.”

“I wonder if the weather will be nice up at the space station.”

“Umm, There’s no weather in space.”

“But what about solar flares and coronal mass ejections?”

“Listen PSYCHO, I’ve got MACE and you are FOUR hours from a drinking fountain. Back off and keep any…mass ejections… to yourself!”

And somebody dies.

People go insane having to wait like that. For many of us, in an enclosed room, insane arrives in MUCH less than six hours. So the unbuilt, scary, space elevator is out.

The next way to space and you heard it here first or possibly elsewhere, is the….

Continue reading ‘IMAO Time Machine: The Next Way To Space’ »