NASA discovers life on Earth


Hello, I’m Dwayne Brown, NASA’s token black guy. And I’m here to introduce a bunch of white folks who called this news conference to announce that they’ve discovered life on Earth.


Seriously. These crackers here have taken your hard-earned money that your Congressmen gave them and, rather than look for life on Mars or, as some in the media speculated, Saturn’s moon Titan, they went to some lake in California and found microbes.


Hell, you can find all sorts of strange life in California. I mean, it’s freakin’ California! You ever walk the streets of some of those towns?


Tell you what. Let me let these so-called “scientists” tell you themselves about what they’ve wasted your money on. Which one of you wants to go first?
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Deep Space Nine: The Mission


Yes, Major?


We just received a communique from Star Fleet.


Well?


Um, you’re not going to believe this, Commander, but…


Let me tell him, Nerys.


Somebody tell me already!


Star Fleet just sent word of a mission change.


Well, this war with the Dominion is a rough fight. We’re going to have to make changes from time to time…


Sir, this change is … unsettling.


So, what’s the change. Are they moving the Defiant to another location? Are we not heading back into the Gamma Quadrant? A suicide mission to Cardassia Prime? What is it?


Nothing like that at all, Benjamin.


So, what is it, Old Man?


The Federation president has changed to the primary mission of Star Fleet to …


Yes?


Our primary mission …


Yes?


Sir, our primary mission is now … outreach to the Jem’Hadar.


What?!


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar, Benjamin.


Outreach to the Jem’Hadar? The very ones who have attacked us, killed us, fought for our destruction? That Jem’Hadar?


The Federation president says it will improve relationships by focusing on Jem’Hadar outreach instead of Star Fleet’s traditional role of exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizatons…


I’m familiar with our mission, Major.


Our former mission, Commander.


No, this isn’t right. There’s no way that the Federation president would issue such an order. The United Federation of Planets would never allow such stupidity from its president.


It’s true, Benjamin. We’ve confirmed it.


Well, we’ll begin making initial preparations for this, but I can’t believe it’ll stand. We’ll keep current mission plans in reserve, ready to revert to them when the Federation comes to its senses.


Yes, sir.


Why would the president do such an asinine thing?


I don’t know, Commander. But I imagine some in Section 31 will say it’s because his middle name is “Weyoun.”